


From The Personal Experiences Of Ryuto Freakin' Gachapoid

by PrincessLopunny



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, F/M, Memes, THIS FIC IS DEAD, for literally no reason other than swear words are inherently funny, literal children dropping cluster f-bombs, random cameos by random vocaloids for random jokes, really uncomfortable dialogue for no apparent reason, school au, the entire fic goes to shit by chapter 5, they're more like shitposts, well not really memes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-01-26 12:03:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21373852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessLopunny/pseuds/PrincessLopunny
Summary: So, for some reason Ryuto's in school now (but we first see his school in chapter 4 which doesn't really focus on him) and he absolutely fucking hates it. And, trust me, his life outside of school really isn't much better. So, basically, his life is a horrible, shitty mess... AND IT'S ALL PLAYED FOR LAUGHS! *Earrape Seinfeld theme plays*This fic is... cancelled, actually. It's not like I didn't like writing it or anything (I did) but I just can't seem to shit out any ideas for Chapter 6. I'm sorry.
Relationships: Gumi & Ryuto, Kaai Yuki & Hiyama Kiyoteru, MEIKA Hime & MEIKA Mikoto, Megurine Luka/Kamui Gakupo, Miko Ooka & Rook, OLIVER/Otomachi Una, Ryuto/Kaai Yuki





	1. Gumi's Wrath

**Author's Note:**

> I found this shit in my drafts and I'm going to actually make it into a fanfic or something. The reason there are so few tags is because I'm going to add them as the story continues and I know what the hell I'm writing.
> 
> Expect to find stupid tropes that really feel like they were shoehorned in there like discredited memes, a lot of shout-outs, a few cluster F-bombs here and there (and by a few, I mean a FUCKTON), some insane troll logic, gratuitous fourth wall breaking, a bit of No Yay and the like.
> 
> As the cluster F-bombs note implies, this fic is going to have quite a lot of swearing. Leave now if you're sensitive to that kinda stuff.

A young green-haired boy was sitting in his room. That's our protagonist, Ryuto Freakin' Gachapoid. He was writing something down on a piece of paper.

"Hey. My name's Ryuto Freakin' Gachapoid. Yes, "Freakin'" is my actual middle name, I'm not making this shit up. My mom Gumi chose it for me. Fuck you Mom for giving me a shitty middle name. Do you _KNOW_ how many people have bullied me over it? Anyways, back to the introduction. You may be wondering, "what the FUCK am I reading?" Well, I don't even know what the FUCK PrincessLopunny over there on her shitty 2 year old laptop is writing. I'm a whatever-grader in Hatsune Miku's School Of Bitchcraft and Misery and I hate it. The title of the place really isn't lying when they say it's a school of "bitchcraft and misery". There's practically only one person there that I can actually be near for long periods of time and that's Kaai Yuki. She's technically my best friend. I really like her. She's really cute. I think- actually no, fuck it, let's just say what I'm TRYING to say. I have a crush on her. I'm just way too shy to ask her out. There's also another kid that isn't an asshole but she makes up for it by being super fucking annoyi-"

He appeared to be continuing his paragraph but he ran out of paper before he could finish his sentence. "Great," he muttered to himself. "Just great. Now the readers won't know about the rest of the school kids."

"RYUTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DINNER'S READY!" Gumi yelled. "Shit." Ryuto whispered before running down the stairs on all fours at alarming speeds because he's a weirdo and some weirdos do that.

"What the hell have you got in your hand?" Gumi questioned. Ryuto realised he was still holding the piece of paper. _"FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK."_ he thought to himself. Gumi snatched the piece of paper from his hand. She was visibly upset. "Who is this for? Who was meant to read this?" she snapped. Ryuto panicked. "I don't know! I was pretending we're in some work of fiction or something!" Gumi glared at him. "Fine. But if I see you making any more letters to people I don't know then you're _**dead.**_ Now go eat your dinner."

It was Gumi's carrot soup again. Ryuto fucking hated Gumi's carrot soup. "Why can't we have something DIFFERENT for once?" he asked. Gumi practically TELEPORTED to him. "This carrot soup is a family recipe passed down through GENERATIONS! I make it as thanks to our ancestors!" she yelled. "I wasn't saying you should stop making it entirely," Ryuto said. "I was just saying that you make it literally every day. I wanna try something else." This sent Gumi into a fit of extreme rage. "YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW IMPORTANT THIS CARROT SOUP IS TO OUR FAMILY, RYUTO FREAKIN' GACHAPOID! OUR ANCESTORS LIVED OFF OF THIS STUFF ALONE!"

"What the hell is wrong with you, Mom? It's just soup."

"IT'S! MORE! THAN! SOUP! TO! ME!"

Ryuto made a fucking run for it. Once Gumi gets angry, she doesn't calm down for a LONG time. You may think he ran straight to his room but no. He did go into his room, but it was just to get his laptop, his Nintendo Switch, his phone, his headphones and a change of clothes. He was staying at Kaai Yuki's house tonight.

He knew that her house was only a few blocks away so he could just ride his bike to get there. And he did exactly that. However, on the way there he met the two people he hated the most: Oliver and Otomachi Una. They were two violent, narcissistic assholes that thought they were super badass "goths" like they were the designated protagonists of some fanfiction (and they were half-right, they are in a fanfiction, however they're nowhere near being classed as protagonists). They both laughed at Ryuto. "Where are you going on that girly thing, Ryuto-chaaaaaan?" Una asked. "I thought you'd know better than to buy a bike with tassels and a basket. And look! You're still using stabilisers! My little sister is 5 and she can ride a bike without stabilisers." Oliver added. Ryuto didn't like a word of what they were saying. "Oliver, if you had a little sister, the rest of the class- no, the rest of the SCHOOL would know. You don't have one," he replied. "And Una, you KNOW I hate being called Ryuto-chan. If you HAVE to use diminutive suffixes to refer to me, at LEAST use masculine ones."

Oliver came up to him, forced him off the bike, embraced him tightly and whispered softly in his ear, "Shut the hell up or I'll kiss you, you bastard." Ryuto was EXTREMELY uncomfortable. Even Una was weirded out. Oliver never threatened to kiss other people if they didn't shut up before, let alone when he was with his girlfriend. "The hell's gotten into you? You're supposed to be my boyfriend but now you're attempting to kiss that... _thing?_" she questioned. Oliver stared at her for a few seconds before releasing Ryuto from his grip. "Actually, you're right. What the hell got into me there?" he answered. Ryuto saw this as a good opportunity to get back on his bike and get away from them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that entire chapter happened.  
Watch me magically forget about everything that happened in this chapter when I show Oliver and Una again!


	2. Yuki's House (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Ryuto has finally arrived at Kaai Yuki's house and he's planning to confess his crush to her! However, he's, like, 69420% sure her kinda-father Hiyama Kiyoteru's trying to get in the way...

Ryuto finally (and yes, I DO mean "finally". I held this off for far too long.) arrived at Yuki's house after... _that_ encounter with Oliver and Una. He parked his bike outside her house, the only thought on his mind being _"GET IN THE FUCKING HOUSE RYUTO"_. Repeated about 25 times, may I add. And he did exactly that.

Yuki's "father" Hiyama Kiyoteru (they aren't actually related but he's the closest thing she has to a parent) greeted Ryuto. "H-Hello," he stammered, blushing. "Erm... w-what was your name again?"

"It's Ryuto Freakin' Gachapoid, dipshit," Ryuto replied, "but just fuckin' call me Ryuto. This... isn't exactly what a sane person would call a formal location, after all."

"O-Oh. Okay, Ryuto. W-Why don't you have a seat next to me?"

"Alright. Yeah. Fine. By the way, where the hell is Yuki?"

"S-She's getting dressed. She'll be d-down in a few seconds."

And Kiyoteru was right. Yuki really DID come downstairs a few seconds after he said that. "DIIIIIIIIIIIIID SOMEONE MENTION MEEEEEEEEEEE?" she shouted. Kiyoteru's head practically turned 180 degrees to look at her. "Yeah. I was just talking to... hmmm... _this_ perfect cutie over here about you!" he said, in a tone that made Ryuto EXTREMELY uncomfortable. _"OH FUUUUUUUUUCK NO. HE'S GOT A FUCKING CRUSH ON ME, HASN'T HE?"_ Ryuto thought to himself.

Yuki just continued on like Kiyoteru hadn't done or said anything. Which is rather hard to do when your kinda-father both turned his head 180 degrees just to talk to you and hit on your best friend in the span of a few seconds. "Oh," she said. "Well, can I sit down next to him?" Kiyoteru blushed. "N-No! H-He's mine!" he stuttered before realising what he said and quickly backtracking. "I-I mean, I just want to s-sit next to him, that's all. M-Maybe you could sit there instead?" he said whilst pointing to the chair nearest to Ryuto.

"Fine. But you better not stop me from talking to him too. Otherwise me and Ryuto are going UPSTAIRS!"

"Oh, I won't stop you from TALKING to him! I just want to talk to him too!"

"Alright, dude. Soooooooooooo, Ryuto, what brings you here?"

Ryuto had been rather vacant before Yuki said that. "Oh. Shit. Well, I told Gumi I didn't want to eat her carrot soup and-" he tried to tell her before she suddenly cut him off. "YOU TOLD GUMI YOU DIDN'T WANT TO EAT HER CARROT SOUP? YOU KNOW SHE GOES BLIND WITH RAGE WHEN HER CARROT SOUP IS CRITICISED!"

"I FUCKING KNOW!"

"WELL WHY DID YOU DO IT?"

"I FORGOT! CAN'T YOU CUT ME SOME FUCKING SLACK, YUKI?"

"Oh, Ryuto, won't you act as precious as you look and tone your language down? I simply won't tolerate such language in this house! Save that kind of language for when we're alone together..." Kiyoteru gasped. Ryuto was very tempted to say no and run upstairs but instead he agreed. "Fine. But I'll only stop SWEARING. You can't stop me from using curse words in general, _crap-boy._"

Yuki used this as a perfect excuse to bring Ryuto upstairs with her. "Ignore him, Ryuto," she loud-whispered, dragging him upstairs. "He's one of those... what do you call them? Those guys that are into young boys?" He immediately realised what she meant. "Shotacons. They're called shotacons."

"Right! He's a _shotacon._ Thanks for telling me."

"So what the fuck are we gonna do NOW?"

Yuki looked around the hallway. "Let's go into my room, I guess," she answered. "We can watch garbage movies and play video games together." Ryuto liked this idea. Garbage movie-watching and video game-playing was their thing. "Sure, Yuki. Let's do that." he said, hoping he'd be able to confess his crush to her.

They both went into her room and sat on her bed. "Soooooooooo, what do you have in your bag there, Ryuto-kun? I mean, I don't know what you have in there and the readers might have forgotten..." she asked, her hand placed firmly on the aforementioned bag and her eyes fixed on the metaphorical fourth wall. Which basically means she's doing an aside glance in written form. Ryuto blushed at being called that. it's CERTAINLY better than being called Ryuto-chan, that's for sure. "WELL. I've got my laptop, my Switch, my phone, my headphones and a change of clothes. That's all. Did you expect me to bring a whole-ass body pillow over or something?" he answered.

"No. No, I didn't. But that makes it sound like you have one..."

"I fucking do not." He does, actually. It's a completely SFW one of Shauna from Pokemon X and Y, if you're wondering. He stuffs it in his closet like it's a corpse and he's hiding it from the police when people come over because he's too embarrassed to let anyone see it.

"Okay. Good to know."

He reached into his bag, got his laptop out and turned it on. Yuki immediately noticed his Love Live lock screen. "Sooooooooooo... you like anime?" she asked. "Is- Is that a fucking question? Yes, I like anime," he responded. "Particularly the moe and idol genres, as you can rather clearly see."

"I like anime too! Though I'm mostly into shonen and seinen action shows..."

"Can we just stop talking about anime now? I've got something much more important to tell you."

"Alright. Fine. What is it you wanna tell me?"

This is it! The moment Ryuto's been waiting for! The chance to confess to Yuki! "I-I have a crush on y-you," he stammered, blushing just like how Kiyo-fucking-teru talked to him when he got here. What a disgusting bastard. "I-I've been meaning to t-tell you this for months now but I was j-just too shy to say it." Yuki was practically red. "I didn't know you felt that way too!" she told him.

"T-Too?"

"Yes! I have a crush on you too! I was just waiting for you to bring something like this up before I could tell you!"

"Oh... Well, in that case, how about we start dating? Ehehehehehehe..."

"Sure!" Yuki squee'd (how do you use that word? how? how do you do it?) and hugged him tightly. Ryuto hugged her back. "Oh shit, looks like it's getting late," he said, jumping off the bed. "Like, it's exactly 10:32 pm now. That's 1 hour and 2 minutes past my usual bedtime on a school night. How about we go to sleep?"

"We haven't told Kiyoteru we're going to sleep. He gets really pissed if I don't tell him I'm going to sleep and I bet he'd get just as pissed if you didn't tell him you're going to sleep too."

"There's no way I'm going near that bastard again tonight. Fucker'll probably get me to sleep next to him."

"WE HAVE TO."

"Okay. Fine."

They went downstairs to find Kiyoteru wide awake, reading some sort of erotic novel. "HEY! KIYOTERU! ME AND RYUTO ARE GOING TO SLEEP!" Yuki shouted.

Kiyoteru looked up from his fuck-book. "Okay! Why don't you sleep with me tonight, Ryuto? I don't think Yuki over here would like sharing her room with a boy..."

Ryuto nudged Yuki in the ribs and glared at her as if to say, "See? I told you!" which prompted her to speak. "I'm fine with having him share my room." she hissed at Kiyotinydick- fuck, I meant Kiyoteru.

Kiyoteru wasn't too keen on that idea. "You know it's impolite to talk to adults like that!" he told her, in a much less flirty and much more serious tone than he usually speaks in when he's near Ryuto.

Ryuto was conflicted. He didn't want to be near Kiyotit- FUCK, I meant Kiyoteru at night but he REALLY didn't want to risk getting into trouble and have to go back home and face Gumi's wrath. "Okay," he said. "I'll sleep with Kiyoteru tonight." He gave Yuki another glare, this time one that meant "I'm doing this for us."

Kiyoteru was positively overjoyed. "Ah! Come now, Ryuto! We're going to have an AMAZING time tonight, just you and me!" he said, in possibly the most erotic-sounding voice Ryuto had ever heard. The poor kid looked like he was in pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the fuck did I just write? This is a REALLY serious question here, I'm scared of myself


	3. Yuki's House (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what to write here. This shit is so wrong on so many motherfuckin' levels yo that it's hard to write a synopsis for it.

Kiyoteru dragged Ryuto to his bedroom. "This is where we'll be sleeping together!" he told him. "I know, dipshit." Ryuto muttered.

"Now, let me just take off your clothes-"

"NO. NO NO NO NO NO. I AM KEEPING THESE ON WHETHER YOU FUCKING LIKE IT OR NOT, BASTARD."

"Oho, so you're acting like that now. I'll still be taking mine off, though!"

"You better at least keep your damn underwear on..."

"Oh, no no no, I'll get far too hot if I have my underwear on!"

"Well shit. Looks like I'm gonna have to be staring at your... ahem... _weewee._ I really wasn't looking forward to that."

Yuki was standing just outside the bedroom, listening to them through the door. _"What the hell are they DOING?"_ she thought to herself. Sure, what they were doing was already bad enough in context but it sure as hell sounded worse out of context.

"Oooooh, it's just sooooo hot in here... I think I need to cool down..." Kiyotittyfuck- God damn it, why do I keep doing this? I mean Kiyoteru moaned. Ryuto just stood there in the corner like a traumatised Espurr. And by that, I mean he looked VERY uncomfortable. "Could you please... just _NOT?_ I'm super uncomfortable." he loud-whispered.

"You're already uncomfortable? We haven't even gotten into bed yet!"

"Well, that's because I'm not GETTING into bed, you fucking shotacon! I'm going to Yuki's room."

"Don't even try to resist, Ryuto. I'll get you out of your clothes and into bed with me one way or another!"

"Alright, fine. I'll do it. But just know that I'm keeping my underwear on and I'm not going to get all fucky-wucky with you."

"Oh, you're lying, aren't you? I just KNOW that we're going to have a good time under the covers!"

"NO."

Yuki was STILL outside the door, listening to them. _"Maybe I should go in and get Ryuto away from him. ... ...Eh. I'll just wait until something actually lewd happens."_ she thought. Knowing Kiyoteru and his attraction to young boys, something lewd was bound to happen.

Ryuto (rather uncomfortably) took his clothes off (well, everything except his underwear because he said he wouldn't take it off and I don't wanna have to bump the age rating of this fic up) and got into bed with Cockyoteru- UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. I meant Kiyoteru. Which, of course, prompted the teacher to tightly embrace him just like Oliver had done two chapters ago. Except this time instead of just whispering in Ryikes'- _fuck,_ I meant Ryuto's ear he nuzzled his head against Ryuto's neck and started slowly moving his hand down his back, softly moaning as he did so. Ryuto was, understandably, having a _fucking sensory overload_ whilst this happened.

This sensory overload, coupled with the general disturbingness of the scene, made Ryuto quick to put on his clothes and _fucking run for it._

"Huh? Where are you going, my _precious_ little Ryuto? We've barely even started!" Kiyoteru called out to him. Ryuto didn't answer. He didn't want to answer. The only thought on his mind was _"RUNFORITRUNFORITRUNFORITRUNFORITRUNFORITRUNFORITRUNFORIT"_.

Yuki immediately realised that he had left Kiyoteru's room, due to her still being at the door and all. I wonder how much actual time she spent at the door. "Huh? Why were you so eager to flee the scene?" she inquired. Ryuto could only respond with a high-pitched whimper. The pure fear that he was showcasing to her prompted her to drag him into her room. (What is it with her and dragging Ryuto around?)

"So... what happened?" Yuki inquired again, this time using a lot less words. "WELL," Ryuto tried to explain, "he was guilting me into taking my clothes off and getting into bed with him by pretty much threatening to rape me if I didn't."

"Heard that."

"THEN he got all close and personal with me, nuzzling his head against my neck and making all sorts of creepy noises."

"Heard that too."

"And then I ran."

"Saw that one, actually."

"Thank God I ran before he could go further. I'm pretty sure that shit's gonna scar me for the rest of my life."

"So... wanna sleep in here? I've got a sleeping bag in a drawer somewhere that you could have."

"No thanks. I'm going home."

And Ryuto did just that. He shoved his laptop (which Yuki had turned off a while ago after browsing through his folders looking for porn and hentai but instead finding memes and regular, SFW anime) in his bag, ran downstairs, exited the house, got on his bike and... went home, I guess.

Gumi was waiting for him at the front door. "RYUTO! IT'S MIDNIGHT! WHY ARE YOU AWAKE?" she yelled at him. "Funny story, actually," he said. "I'll tell you about it once we get in." And so he did. Gumi was... shocked, to say the least. "I mean, I'm happy that you managed to confess your feelings to Yuki. She really is the only tolerable girl in your class. But DAMN, Kiyoteru really shouldn't be allowed to take care of her, much less teach other children." she said. "NOW GO TO BED."

Ryuto tried to go to sleep, but all he could think about was what would happen if he hadn't ran from Kiyoteru. Would it have devolved into actual sex? I don't know, probably. I really can't control the shit I write sometimes.

It felt like he had only just fallen asleep when his alarm went off. 7:30 AM. Thursday. He didn't feel like waking up so he just rolled out of bed. Gumi entered his room as soon as she heard him hit the ground. "WHAT HAPPENED?" she yelled. Ryuto opened his eyes, looking dull and lifeless. "Moooooooooom, I can barely do ANYTHING in this state. Can't you just call Principal Miku and tell her I'm sick?" he moaned (in the non-erotic way, unlike fucking KIYOTERU up there).

"No. I can't. You HAVE to wake up! You're clearly healthy enough to go to school!"

"But I don't FEEL healthy enough!"

"Here, let me check your temperature," Gumi said. "Looks like you're fine. That's it. Wake up." Ryuto did as he was told. He knew firsthand what would happen if he didn't and it certainly wouldn't be pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that ended on a relatively okayish note but wow the "yo dude what the fuck" really peaked in the middle


	4. Hatsune Miku's School of Bitchcraft and Misery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ryuto's finally gone the fuck to school. I've been meaning to write this chapter for God knows how long. It doesn't really focus on him that much though so who the fuck cares you came here for him you probably aren't gonna read this

Ryuto woke the fuck up, put on his school uniform, shoved the entire bowl of cereal Gumi had made for him down his fucking throat (yes, the ENTIRE bowl. Including the bowl itself. He won't suffer any ill effects from eating the bowl.), packed his bag and ran the fuck out of the house. "Shit, I'm probably gonna be late." he whispered to himself.

Gumi came out the door about 12 seconds after him. "Ryutooooooo! You forgot your lunch!" she called out.

"OH. I'll get that right now."

"And isn't school, like, a mile away? Get in the car now."

Ryuto was ABOUT to say, "FUCK YOU MOM FOR CHOOSING TO LIVE A MILE AWAY FROM SCHOOL." but he stopped himself. Instead he said, "Okay. I'll get in the car," wondering what fucking song Gumi was going to play.

It turned out to be really heavy metal, a definite change from her usual choice of Christian rock. It wasn't any less painful to listen to, of course, but he didn't dare tell her to change it lest he incur her wrath like he did in the first chapter. He just put his headphones on and listened to J-pop on his phone like he normally does. J-pop was his favourite genre of music, probably because he liked moe idol anime so much.

Ryuto and Gumi finally arrived at Hatsune Miku's School of Bitchcraft and Misery. It was a rather large building, though nothing like the wizarding school from Harry Potter that its name was a parody of. He inexplicably managed to get there at the same time as his kinda-girlfriend (they literally just started dating yesterday in in-universe time, she's not really his girlfriend yet) Kaai Yuki in the car park and they decided to walk in together whilst Gumi fucking decked Kiyoteru in the face for pretty much molesting Ryuto last chapter. (Why the hell did I write the Yuki's House chapters anyway?)

"So, what the fuck are we gonna learn today? Your not-really-father's a teacher, he should know what the timetable is." Ryuto asked Yuki. "I have no idea. He's really secretive about the timetable. It's like it's a secret piece of ancient writing only the chosen ones can read or something." she responded.

Then a pink-haired girl ambushed them from behind. "HEWWO FWIENDS! WANNA SEE MY POKEMON CAWDS?! I JUST GOT A SYWVEON AND IT'S SOOOO KAWAII!! OwO" she yelled. Yuki glared at her. "Rana, what the hell? Don't sneak up on us like that." she hissed. "I'M SOWWY ówò! IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE SOOOO COOW AND I WANNA BE YOUW FWIENDS! HEEHEE >w<" Rana giggled. Ryuto stared at the metaphorical fourth wall again. "That's the annoying kid I was trying to tell you fucks about." Rana immediately ran over to him. "WHO? WHO ARE YOU TAWKING TO, WYUTO????? O^o" she yelled. He didn't answer her and instead took Yuki's hand and ran into the building.

They were trying to get into their class before they were stopped by two huge assholes. And by that, I mean Oliver and Una again. "Oh, Ryuto-chan's gotten a girlfriend noooow?~ How sad. I thought we were going to be together..." Oliver said, getting uncomfortably close to Ryuto. Una glared at him, then turned to Yuki. "Ignore him," she told her. "He'sbeen acting a bit... _odd_ ever since we met the green thing yesterday. And by odd I mean gay. Really gay." Yuki just stared at Oliver who was now attempting to kiss Ryuto, tongue and everything. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah," she said. "Kiyoteru was acting pervy towards him too. What is it about him that guys just can't resist?"

They were attempting to get their respective boyfriends away from each other before they were stopped by a little girl they'd never seen before. "HEY!" the little girl said. "Who are you guys? I'm a new student here. My name is Miko Ooka. I'm in your class. Can you direct me there? Thanks." Oliver immediately detached himself from Ryuto. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" he yelled. "I don't wanna help random bitches like you!" Miko started to cry. Una tried comforting her. "It's okay," she told her. "Ignore my boyfriend. He's an asshole to pretty much everyone." Miko looked up at her. "That's your BOYFRIEND? You gotta be CRAZY to wanna date someone like that!"

"I don't even know why I started dating him in the first place. All I remember is going to his 10th birthday party 2 years ago, drinking some of the orange juice his mom put out for us then blacking out. Next day we were dating. Weird."

"He musta slipped some shit in your drink, Una."

"What do you mean?"

"I've seen my half-brother do it to a... girl? She's mostly male but she has a very feminine hairstyle and she insists on being referred to with female pronouns... yeah, girl he's friends with. She looked like she was stoned out of her fucking mind the whole time she was there. I tried going in his room that day and I can't really remember what they were doing but it sure as hell looked like they were fucking. Can't remember what the hell it was that they were doing though."

Una just gave Miko a look and dragged her to class. Ryuto, Yuki and Oliver followed her. "What's the deal with that Miko Ooka girl anyway? How old is she?" Yuki asked Ryuto. "I don't know. She looks around 7 or 8 though." Ryuto answered.

They walked into class and met their teacher, Momone Momo. "Kiyoteru's absent today so I had to take his place. What he was absent FOR, I don't have a clue. Miku only told me he was absent, not the specifics. I want answers, Miku." she told the class. "So, we have two new students today! Why don't you introduce yourselves?" Miko and a boy who Ryuto and Yuki assumed was her half-brother walked up to the front of the class.

Miko started to speak first. "Hello. My name is Zoe Ooka, but please for the love of God, call me Miko. My brother over here named me that after a dog from a cartoon he likes. It's a cartoon made for young girls about talking animals and you KNOW that anything made for that audience that involves talking or anthro animals is horny. Which means he probably jacks off to it. It's a rule. Anyways, I'm 3 years old. I know I don't look like it but FUCK YOU I'M A FUCKING UTAULOID YOU KNOW THOSE THINGS CAN'T PORTRAY THEIR AGE CORRECTLY." she told the rest of the class. They all just stared at her.

Her brother spoke after her. "Shut up, Zoe- I mean Miko! I don't fucking jack off to that shit! ANYWAYS, the name's Rook. That's it. I'm pretty sure I'm the only VIPPERloid without a last name. Fuck. Anyways, I'm 13 years old and I have never felt happiness since 2012. Goodbye." And then he ran back to his seat, breaking Miko's chair in the process. She just looked at him. "ROOK, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! GET ME A NEW CHAIR NOW, MOMO. AND MAKE SURE IT'S NOT THE GREY ONE. I HEARD SOMEONE TOOK A SHIT ON IT YESTERDAY." she yelled. Momo did exactly that, muttering something about kids acting really age-inappropriate to herself.

Momo walked back up to the front of the class after getting Miko a new chair. "Well, that was awkward," she said. "Anyways, we had a spelling test and a few questions on the book we're reading planned today but since we have some new students how about we do some PE? God, I hate having to tell you guys we're doing PE. I hate it so much." But the class sure didn't. Except Yuki, of course. "Ryuto, can you tell Momo I'm not up for doing PE? She ALWAYS makes me do really painful warm-ups..." she asked Ryuto. He nyoomed straight to Momo and told her exactly that. "Oh, I'm sorry but if she can't tell me what's wrong personally, she ain't gonna get a pass." she said, in a rather passive-aggressive tone. "I'll send her to the nurse and get her to check what's wrong."

Yuki practically turned white. She DREADED the thought of going to Nurse Luka despite never having to go there before. Not only was she rather creepy when you meet her outside of the nurse's office, there's a rumour that she either kills or rapes kids who get sent to her. Of course, it's a shitty playground rumour so Yuki doesn't really believe it but the kid who started the rumour told her about it in such detail that she doesn't want to find out if it's true, just in case...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so apparently Yuki's going to the nurse who's practically reached memetic molester status with the kids so I have no fucking idea how I'm going to portray her
> 
> help


	5. Nurse Luka's Office and Some Other Assorted Bullshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah  
I have very hazy memories of everything that happened in Chapter 4 now so if the plot completely degrades into shit I am very sorry but yes it is all my fault

Yuki slowly walked to the nurse's office. Sure, she knew the whole "killing and raping kids" thing was just a shitty playground rumour (and one started by the king of the bullies, Namine Ritsu at that) but she didn't want to get too cocky in case it was actually true. And then she met him. And by him I mean the guy we just mentioned. And by the guy I just mentioned I mean Namine Ritsu.

"Eheheheheheh. What brings ya here, Yuki?" Ritsu laugh-questioned. "Momo told me to go to Nurse Luka. I'm not exactly excited, seeing as you started that rumour about her being a rapist and murderer..." Yuki answered.

"Rumour? AhahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's _all true,_ li'l Yuki! I've been secretly recordin' _everythin'_ that goes on in there. It's my main jack-off material. Ya wanna see some? The one from last year with Rin's pretty spicy."

"WHAT THE HELL, RITSU? NO." Yuki ran away as fast as she could. Which is VERY FAST. Suddenly, the door to the nurse's office opened and Yuki was pulled into the room. Ritsu smiled sweetly. "Goodbye, li'l girl." he softly whispered. Yuki just glared at him. What a degenerate.

Luka locked the door. "Hello, Yuki." she said whilst grinning and holding out her almost claw-like hand. Yuki shivered, half because it's cold as fuck in there and half because, well, Luka's creepy as shit. "I'm not going to hurt you or anything," she told her. "What do you THINK I'm gonna do?" "Ritsu over there told me you murder and rape the kids that come in here!" Yuki yelled.

"Oh... I've never done that before. Why would I? I'm a faithful wife to Gakupo!" (He was their history/literature teacher that constantly pointed out homoerotic subtext whenever he saw it and got a bit too over-excited whenever they were talking about something related to Japan. What a weeaboo.)

"You're married? I never knew that."

"Yes. I am. Now why are you in here?"

"Momo told me-"

"She's here today? Oh no, I'm so sorry."

"Why? Why are you sorry?"

"You know that rumour? About me being a murderer and rapist? That's actually more applicable to Momo than me. Well, the raping _kids_ part isn't applicable to her. She only does that to adults. But she DOES murder kids."

Yuki practically turned white again. Why would Momo do that? She's normally really kind. Sure, she makes Yuki do really painful warm-up exercises in PE but still... "I have to tell Ryuto that," she told Luka. "And the new kids too." And then she ran off.

Everyone was still doing their warm-ups. Yuki dashed over to Ryuto. "HEY. QUICK. LISTEN TO ME, RYUTO." she loud whispered. "W-What?" he asked, fucking up his exercise. Oliver stared at him. "God, I wish I could fit my entire body inside his asshole..." he moaned, almost doing the fuckin ahegao face or something. Una bitch-slapped him. "God, I wish I could fit your entire body inside the nearest hole in the ground," she snapped. "Now get back to exercising. I can't have my boyfriend be horny over the green thing..."

And now back to Yuki and Ryuto. "Momo's a murderer. Luka told me about it." she whispered to him, quieter this time so that Momo didn't hear her. Ryuto was very confused. "The fuck? Luka told you that? As in Nurse Luka? You know, the one that-" he started to confusedly whisper back before Yuki cut him off.

"She doesn't rape and murder the kids that go into her office, no matter how many people try to tell you that."

"Oh. Okay. We've gotta get the fuck outta here." Ryuto took Yuki's hand and ran out the gym. Which prompted Oliver to run out after him. Which in turn prompted Una to get him to stop. "OLIVERYOUFUCKINGSLUTPLEASEFORTHELOVEOFGODDONOTCHASEAFTERRYUTOYOUKNOWHEDOESNOTWANTYOURCRUSTYASSDINGALING" she yelled, so high-pitched and fast that Oliver could barely even hear it, let alone make out what she said. So she ran after him, screeching like a feral dying animal.

Ryuto and Yuki somehow managed to get to the entrance of the school without being noticed. "Stealth 100, baby." he told her, slamming his head around believing he was doing some sort of hair whip thing. However, like, 3 seconds after he did that Oliver and Una caught up to them. Oliver pushed Yuki to the side (making her almost fall over) and decided to say what he's been meaning to say since, well, yesterday, really. "Ryuto, I love you more than anyone else," he confessed. "Can we be together forever?" Una and Yuki shared worried glances. You know, the kind that SHOULD be shared if you fear you're both about to lose your boyfriends. "Absolutely." Ryuto told him. Yuki had a look on her face that could only be described as "say sike right now say sike right now SAY SIKE RIGHT NOW" and Una, well... she just looked like how she normally does. Which, to be fair, is "moderately pained" but still.

"Ah! Ryuto loves me! I'm so happy I could-"

"Sike, bastard. You really think I'd dump a girl not even a full day after we started dating? Come on Yuki, let's get the hell out of here!"

Yuki looked completely relieved and did exactly that. However, Oliver was Extremely Fucking Sad™ and started to cry into Una's chest, something that she immediately backed away from. "H-HE DOESN'T LOVE ME... W-WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?" he cried. "Ask someone else out, I guess? I really don't know what's going on with you..." Una answered.

"B-But... I don't know ANYONE I love more than him!"

"Please get over it. Your crush on him is... how should I put it... _sad_ and _creepy._"

"I don't know why, but you sound rather homophobic when you say things like that..."

"Me? Homophobic? No. No way in _hell_ am I homophobic. Listen, if it was any other boy I'd actually be _happy_ that you wanted him since, well, you clearly don't love _me._ Hell, the only reason we even started dating in the FIRST PLACE was because you drugged me at your birthday party two years ago. I'm just upset that you're infatuated with Ryuto of all people." Una walked away, her twintails flapping around violently in the wind as if she was an MMD model.

Now we cut back to Ryuto and Yuki again. They were walking away from the building when they suddenly bumped into Meika Hime and Meika Mikoto. Hime was staring at something on her phone but Mikoto was walking without any distractions. "Shoot!" Hime yelled. "You made me lose track of where I was in this Venomania x Karchess mpreg smut fic I'm reading!" Mikoto stared at her. "You're reading WHAT?"

"I just told you! Are you a brainlet or something? Geez, Mikoto."

"No, I'm not a brainlet, whatever that means. It's just... I didn't think there were any fanfictions out there for the Evillious Chronicles. Especially not yaoi smut fics." (I don't actually think there are either, to be honest.)

Ryuto and Yuki were confused. Why have these two idiots temporarily taken up the spotlight in this fic? They just walked away, ignoring the two random Vocaloids who were only put in this fic for a singular scene. And then, suddenly, AGAIN, Oliver and Una caught up to them. "I-I'm sorry, Ryuto," Oliver cried out. "It's just... I couldn't find a way to express my love for you without it seeming like I'm coming randomly out of ass-fuck nowhere and screaming at you." "WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING." Ryuto snapped back.

And then that little girl from Chapter 4 Miko Ooka came out the fucking school too, what the fuck. "Hey, Yuki, Una, do you think Ryuto REALLY hates Oliver or is he just a huge fucking tsundere for him?" Yuki's answer was "actually hates him" whilst Una's was very, VERY conflicted at first but then painfully switched to "big tsundere".

"Do you at least want to be my friend?" Oliver asked. "Uh... yeah, sure," Ryuto responded. "After all, you do seem like you'll beat me the fuck to death if I say no..."

"Okay! I think I should ask my parents if I can bring you over. I bet they'd really like you!"

_"oh boi-o he wants to fuck doesn't he??"_ Ryuto thought to himself.__

_ _Yuki ran over to Oliver at Very High Speeds™. "Are you serious? I better be coming too or else Ryuto over there isn't coming either. All or nothing, BITCH." she told him. "Okay, Yuki. I don't usually let girls come to my house but I can see you're very... _protective_ of Ryuto so..." he responded._ _

_ _Miko ran over to the metaphorical fourth wall. I think the fourth wall has been noticed 3 times in this fic now. "So did I REALLY just get a random fucking cameo for no reason other than to ask the other girls a random fucking question? Shit." she asked._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah the plot did degrade into shit actually


End file.
